It was 2 am and the bus came to a stop. Sleepy eyes were squinty in the bright light as we all stumbled out of the bus in into our rooms. I put down my luggage in front of my cubby, changed, & crawled into a bed. I shut my eyes, but my mind did not stop racing. I had plans I had to make for the next day & people see & work to do! It wasn't until about 3:30a that I found rest & it wasn't until the Lord had to wake up me up...spiritually.
After an hour an half of wrestling with tangled thoughts, I started to physically feel a burden on my body. It felt weighing & gross. I couldn't lift this feeling off my chest. I began to pray as I realized that I have been wasting away sleep & the Lord spoke to my heart.
"Fight through surrender."
I proclaimed the name of Jesus of my worry & I immediately felt like a burden had been lifted from me. 5 minutes later, I was sound asleep.
I feel like there are so many times that I try to carry my burdens & solve my own problems. I think that loosing a little bit more sleep, memorizing more of the Word and praying a little bit more harder will solve all my problems with my ugly sin. That night I realized it only creates more unrest & burdens on our shoulder that we are not built to carry.
Clothe yourself in your strength, O Zion;
Clothe yourself in your beautiful garments,
O Jerusalem, the holy city;
For the uncircumcised and the unclean
Will no longer come into you.
Shake yourself from the dust, rise up,
O captive Jerusalem;
Loose yourself from the chains around your neck,
O captive daughter of Zion.
Isaiah 52:1&2
John Eldredge says it so well in this book, "We are either addicted, dead, or alive & thirsty." When I think of addiction, the first thoughts are physical addictions. Smoking. Drugs. Alcohol. People. But for me, I have been addicted to having everything all together. I didn't think I had no chains on my neck or filthy rags that I wore, I have everything under control! No worries! But it was actually quite the opposite because sometimes all I can do it worry & strategically seek answers so I feel "good."
But it's time for an awakening. An awakening to my desire. In the book, John talks about a moment where he desired a woman who was not his wife. Immediately in his mind he said, "No! No! No! I'm a married man." But this specific moment, he noticed he had a desire and let the Holy Spirit speak Truth into the why he was feeling this way. The Lord has spoken to him about being a man in the end.
In the midst of his sin, he found freedom. He found an awakening.
I'm really good at carrying burdens that don't belong to me. Because I like control. I like knowing where I am going. I like having a plan B. I like having a set path before me. It's comfortable.
But it is not what I am called to do.
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart,
lean not in your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
& He will direct your paths.
Proverbs 3:5
A scripture I have had memorized since I was in elementary school because an eye opening adventure. I have no idea what my future looks like today. I don't what August looks like for me. I don't know what curve ball with be thrown at me next. I don't know what it means practically to be a Speaker of Women. I don't know.
But I do know I serve God.
A God than cannot lie.
So when He promises that He will direct my paths, I have to trust Him.
The book, "Journey of Desire" is for worrier. It's for the person who doesn't care. It's for the person who feels alone. It's for the person who feels like a mess. It's for the one who is heart broken. It's for dead & the addicted. Because we have a desire to be alive & thirsty. To be awaken to the dust, rags & chains we wear & be given a new perspective on life. To know that this life isn't forever & see that our desires reflect something that He has in store for us.
The Lord gives us one short life. A life that can be awakened in the hope of an eternity of adventure. I love secrets & everyday, He gives us an opportunity to seize them daily. & I hope that you would do that same.
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